Angel Baby

Many of you who know me well know that I am an avid Days of Our Lives fan.  My Aunt Diane got me hooked on this show back when I was only 13 years old and now I watch it every day Monday-Friday.  Luckily it's on at the time when the kiddos are napping but just in case I miss it in the afternoon I DVR it so I can watch it at night!  This past week on the show one of the characters suffered the loss of a baby due to a miscarriage.  Many of you reading this may know that back in July of 2006 I suffered a miscarriage.  When I watched this episode I cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed.  Even though this person is just a character on a show they make everything so real and I'm not sure if it's because I went through the same thing but I was feeling her pain.  Watching this episode makes me think of the moment I found out I lost my baby.  It was July 19, 2006 (which just so happens to be Lincoln's Birthday).  I was just going in for a normal check up.  We had been to one appointment about a month prior and everything was going fine.  I went by myself because I saw no reason for Ryan to go because we went together the month before and we were able to see the baby and get a picture of the baby.  I will never for the rest of my life forget this moment.

Dr. Stiller was doing the ultrasound vaginally and she said she was going to try and do one on my tummy to see if she could get a better look.  Still I'm thinking nothing of it....this was my first time being pregnant so I had no idea what was going on.  She then said to me "Hunny I am not finding a heart beat on the baby.  I'm going to send you over to the hospital to get another ultrasound to double check."   I said to her "are you sure, how can this happen, the baby was fine last month."  She then told me to call my husband so he could meet me at the hospital.  I called Ryan and was at this point crying so hard he could barley understand what I was saying.  I managed to get out "go to the hospital something is wrong with our baby."  I then called my parents who were spending the week out at the fair and they met us at the hospital as well.  I had to wait for what seemed like an eternity but was probably only about 20 min to get my ultrasound at the hospital.  Of course they don't tell you anything there so we had to go back to Dr. Stiller's office after the ultrasound to hear the worst new of our lives.  Our baby was gone and there was nothing that could be done. 

Words cannot even begin to describe the hurt, the sadness, the anger, the blame, and the frustration that I felt.  When Ryan and I got home that day he said something to me that I will never forget and is so true.  He said it's amazing the love you can have for someone that you have never even met.  Then things start to come to your mind like was it something I ate, I forgot to take my prenatals a few times, I did drink some caffeine, what did I do wrong??????????  In my heart I knew there was nothing I or anyone else could have done to change the outcome but in the back of my mind the thoughts were always there.  Ryan and I are very lucky that we had such a supportive family and group of friends that helped us get through such a tough time.

As I sit here and write this now I do think about what it would have been like had I not had a miscarriage.  I would have a 4 year old boy or girl.  But what I wouldn't have is my Timothy and my Lincoln.  As painful as my miscarriage was I do believe that everything happens for a reason.  This was God's way of saying he needed me to be Timothy and Lincoln's mommy.  If I would have carried that baby full term and had him or her the timing would not have been write for the the two beautiful boys I have.  I love my boys more than words can describe and am truly grateful that God choose me to be there mommy!!!!